I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
