I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
