barbara walters just said penis...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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