i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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