I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
