WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
