If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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