My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the liver wants what the liver wants
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize