I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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