He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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