My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
