Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
