She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
