My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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