if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
