need another drink. this is the easiest way
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
