I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
