You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
