He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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