Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
