Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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