Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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