I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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