I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
