Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
