On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
