i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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