Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
