watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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