Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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