Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
