did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
