All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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