Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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