If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
