Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
