Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
