She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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