considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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