I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
