Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
