Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
