when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
