please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
