you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
