so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
