don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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