I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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