apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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