Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
