Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
