can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
