Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
