i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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