the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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