So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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