is your mom at the bar?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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