sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica