I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
